Couple's counselling tends to focus on your complaints about each other and how to best address them.

Even with the best skills training (We’re huge advocates of the Gottman research and resulting methods), this tends to just create a more comfortable container in which to house and manage the recurring problems. It’s a little like driving up a rocky mountain in a 4x4 rather than a unicycle... it’s definitely more comfortable, but the landscape underneath hasn’t changed.

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With relationship breakthrough coaching, my approach is based on the knowledge that the most significant relationship challenges tend to stem from a mix of unresolved childhood experiences, core beliefs and attachment styles.

For example, our attachment and conflict styles are mostly formed by the age of 3, and by the age of 7, our scripts for parenting and pair-bonding are embedded in our subconscious, ready to set the tone for our adult relationships.

This can create a landscape filled with emotional “landmines” for our relationships, that whilst unpleasant, seem painfully familiar.

 

Often the main reason counselling can't help is that you're expecting someone else to soothe your wounds and meet your emotional needs. This is wonderful when it's done voluntarily and compassionately, but most often, you have chosen someone who has the perfect compliment to your own emotional wounds. 

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For example, an avoidant partner who felt suffocated by the needs of their early caregiver and was guilted and shamed for failing to meet them, marries the devoted anxious attached partner who will expect them to meet their needs and guilt and shame them for not doing so.

The anxious attached who grew up feeling rejected and abandoned, attaches to the seemingly stoic and confident avoidant, who then abandons or rejects them over and over again for asking for more than the avoidant has to give. The avoidant perceives the anxious partner's unmet needs as a source of failure and the complaints or requests as attacks, perpetuating the problem.  

 

Whilst you might have a huge amount of evidence to the contrary, our partner did not cause the original problem. They just became part of your self fulfilling prophecy and you, theirs! 

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Having these blueprints is a bit like wearing glasses that prevent you from seeing your partner for who they really are. As we stumble all over the minefields, setting off the bombs, it's hard not to react badly to this!

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Rather than merely navigating these emotional “landmines”, you and I will heal them at the subconscious level. By identifying and addressing these early triggers, you can release persistent patterns of conflict and disconnection, allowing both partners to become safe spaces for each other to receive the love, safety, and validation you deserve.

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These changes often have a positive influence over all areas of your life such as your parenting style and relationships with your children, your career, finances, and personal development.